Ultimate Fails
Misplaced flowers, dog pee, a turtle, and torn underwear -- sounds like the makings of some great wedding fails to me. Come take a look at some of the most bizarre and outright ridiculous wedding outfits, from the disastrous flower-girl to the ring bearer, that will stand the test of time.
Cattle and a Bride, Oh My
Well, I guess this is one for the books. I can't tell who's prouder, the groom or his livestock. The bride doesn't seem too overjoyed. Shown up by Bessie. Is she producing the refreshments for the ceremony? Is she keeping the other invited livestock entertained? Maybe they'll eat her after she's completed her duties as flower cow? I'm just not sure but this fails all around.
Bath Salt Wedding
Even with a gun held to my family's head I would not dare go down an alley with this thing walking towards me. Not even in broad daylight. What on earth was the joyful wedding couple thinking by having someone who's obviously had more than his share of bath salts roll down the aisle? If this is the ring bearer (ring thing?) I really wonder what the groom and bride look like? Definitely fails.
Needs More Color
I guess this was a really happy occasion. No one in their right mind would think of wearing so much yellow if they weren't happy. I know the yellow bus factory where they obviously picked up their outfits were extremely happy about the whole situation. I hear the company was about to go bust until a smart employee suggested they go into the wedding dress business.
It Wasn't Me
Cute as this little tyke is, I don't think he'll have a successful career as ring bearer. Just look at him trying to put the blame on another guest for dropping the ring. He fails miserably. Shameless when you really think about it. Of course, he'll blame it on drinking too many sugary sodas or something similar, staying in denial for the rest of his life.
The Front Lawn
Has anyone seen my flamingos? They're pink, about five feet tall and normally stay in my front yard. Wait. What's that you say? My neighbor needed them to fill in as flower girls at a wedding? All six of them you say? Well yes, I guess it'll be OK as long as you return them before sundown. And as long as they can keep the tiaras.
Blue Wedding
Why are these girls leaning one arm on each other? I don't get it. Do they think they are on the set of "Cheers" or something? And that shade of blue makes them look like Ice Capades Dancers. Or maybe a swim team from the 1976 Olympics. Though I guess they all could have just finished their shifts at Sonic.
Avocado for You?
This pic has me completely baffled. The dresses are ugly enough already but I simply don't get the message about avocados. And why didn't they get walnuts? Seems to me they'd be cheaper. This makes me think that Starbucks is hosting free weddings with every tenth latte sold or something.
What?
Words aren't necessary here, but I'm going to say a few anyway. Is it any wonder this pic fails? First, I'm shocked I didn't notice the little girl because I thought she was a flower vase. Second, I'm shocked that the bride isn't holding the same flowers patterned after bridal group. How utterly rude trying to not blend in. Brides can be so selfish sometimes.
No
I'm sure I've seen these outfits on a show before, but for the life of me, I can't remember which one. Not that it matters anyway. Nothing can save this utter wedding outfit failure. Though I must admit that the Crayola company would probably be so proud of this. I'm curious about what wretched movie or cartoon inspired this theme.
Never Too Much
Until now. Whoever came up with the idea of turning a lattice fence into a fashionable hat should be tried for crimes against humanity. Just look at those poor shell-shocked girls in the front. The littlest girl has that unmistakable "kill me" look in her eyes. Her older sister has the "I'm already dead, just leave me behind" stare that many people from war-torn nations have. Shiver.
Latest Heart Video Shoot
I didn't know the band Heart did weddings. That's fantastic... What? That's not them?? Oh. Those two really had me going, what with those extremely fake tiaras. I'm wondering when the "lick an electrical socket" hair-style came into popularity. I must have missed that one. And why is it when I look at them I expect them to walk up to me and say something like "Welcome to Denny's"?
Partridge Family Redux Wedding
I'll get to the blushing bride in a minute. I'm a little busy trying to figure out what's going on with the other outfits. Vest-dresses? For real? Maybe these are church ushers or something. Maybe airline hostesses? I mean, they have the scarf tying down pat. And I'm guessing the bride is/was a nurse of some kind during the last Civil War?
Look at Me Wedding
Um, WTF? Most people just go to Sea World if they want to see the swimming critters. These people brought the water park to their wedding. Why do these type of women watch
Finding Nemo and
The Little Mermaid over and over again anyway? Was there gonna be synchronized swimming at the reception afterward? Just saying.
Utter Perfection Fail
Bride -- beautiful. Flower girls -- stunning. Dresses -- granny. I see where the bride was going with this theme, but her critical error was trying to please her great-grandmother at the wedding. She should have remembered that this is HER day, not Granny's. She still could've pulled it off had she chosen color coordinated flowers for the girls. But alas, too much alcohol-laden punch the night before makes Jill a stupid girl.
No, These Aren't My Drapes
I think all of these girls were drugged and dressed before they knew what was happening. Hence the dazed and very confused expressions on their faces. Are those family-sized ice cream cones that are being used to hold the flowers? Orange and pink do not a dress make. EVER!! And the hair scarves on their heads really need to go.
Cooter? Uncle Jessie?
Straight out of Hazard County: The Purple People Eater Gang. Either these are all officers of the peace or they all just escaped from their chain gang. It's hard to tell really. Is this how they get their men? Wing them with a bullet and drag their unconscious bodies back to the trailer park?
If I Only Had a Fire Hydrant
These dresses could actually look good. The thing that ruins them are the women wearing them. It almost seems as if the bride doesn't have any real friends but felt she needed to have a pic or two taken to make it seem like she has friends. So she bought some friends. Off of a street corner. They all seem to have steady work, hence the position their legs are in. Sad.
The Reynolds Wrap Wedding
Reynolds Wrap and toilet paper. Let's base a wedding look around those items. I'd almost understand if this were someplace in Greenland or the Arctic. Actually, I wouldn't. This has to be the result of eating way too many roasted marshmallows and downing more than your share of vodka. The Flintstones wouldn't wear this three-dollar-a-roll tripe.
Count Chocula Wedding
A wedding based on a cereal box. That's what I see and I'm calling it. Whoever thought up a wedding theme based on the same color as baby poo needs to be drawn and quartered. I wonder if this is how those accused of witchcraft in old Salem felt when forced to wear these things for their execution? Guess they didn't care since they were about to be burned at the stake, much like the women in this pic probably feel.
Dynasty Meets Pink
Pink certainly was a thing in the eighties. Lots of it, and make it as garish as possible. And not one genuine smile in the lot, not even the men. But I guess if I were waiting for Alexis Carrington to suddenly waltz in just to kick my butt all up and down the aisle, I wouldn't be smiling too much either.
Off With Her Head
Clearly, someone watched
Alice in Wonderland one too many times. But why theme your wedding after it? I guess there wasn't enough of this disgusting material to go around, which explains the blue parrot-like thing in the rear, as well as the Mad Hatter's pink sun hat in the background. Queen of Hearts indeed.
Where's the Color Control on This Thing?
Looking at this pic reminds me of an old TV. The kind in the wooden case that weighed 400 pounds and could only receive the Big Three networks. The color TV you couldn't adjust properly -- you could only get two or three colors to show. Maybe the dresses were designed by a color-blind relative. Or possibly fully blind. Does it really matter? It's simply atrocious.
Anyone Seen My Pepto?
I always thought that Pepto was to be taken internally. Guess I was wrong. I'm also wrong about who is supposed to be taking off that garter too. And I suppose I'm equally wrong to question why the little flower girl is hiking up the bride's wedding dress. I'm having a wrong sort of day. Maybe I'm just in a reflux nightmare of some kind. Now where's my Pepto?
Outhouse Wedding
Baby got back? More like baby got some torn, worn-out bloomers on. Ladies, there ain't nothing to be proud of about this pic. The Beverly Hillbillies would be ashamed to have you at their mansion. And are those supposed to be dresses or curtains? Or pillowcase material from the Dress Barn?
Pure Class
I really don't understand this pic. What is it supposed to represent? Is the bride getting ready to marry her StairMaster? Is she offering up her bridal groups' rears as sacrifices? And what is she so proud of? The bridesmaids don't even seem to care. Have they been drugged somehow? Are they zombies? Do they know what's going to happen to them? Can't anyone help them?
Lilac Can Kill
Girls, take a good look at this picture. Please do not be fooled by the bride into believing that you'll look great dressed as a bottle of (very) cheap perfume. I mean, did it really take that much of an effort to pull the sheets off of some beds at K-Mart? I doubt it. Oh and I guess those are pillow cases for the hats too.
That's Not a Train, It's My Honeymoon Tent
Yes, I know this article is about flower girls and anything but the bride, but I just had to comment on this wedding dress. I'm guessing it's one of those multi-functional things that can double as a tent or parachute whilst on honeymoon. I suppose it could also be used as an emergency sail of a massive fishing net in a pinch. The only lovely thing about this photo is the flower arrangement for the bride, and even that's gotta be half a small tree she's holding.
When Color is Too Much
These girls remind me of one of those candy necklaces you used to be able to buy at the candy store. Or a pack of PEZ, LOL. Though the flower girl is adorable, I fear the rest of them have made a grievous mistake in their attempt to imitate a watered-down roll of Lifesavers. And what's up with the orchids? I thought it was a wedding, not a funeral.
Hurry Girls -- To The Float!
Wait just a minute. I know these dresses. Now where did I see them? Oh yes. Macy's. On a float. In the Thanksgiving Parade. Just look at the glum, near-suicidal looks on the bridesmaids. I think they've done this a few hundred times. Probably in not such seriously ugly garb, but still. The things they must have seen. The horrible dresses they must have worn. Makes me shiver.
Stepford Hell
When you're part of a cult I guess anything goes. Yep, when these lovely ladies somehow find time between house chores, hunting deer, and stripping ground squirrels and other roadkill for their fur, they get together to show off their true art: how to skin a couch and make wedding dresses out of it. Oh for the simpler times. At least the flowers match.
To Wong Foo?
Is it me or does no one in this picture look happy? No matter what, you can be guaranteed the drag queens will liven things right up. Bright colors, garish makeup, diva attitudes, the works. Oh, they're not? Sorry. I just know that some sort of Fiesta Parade was robbed then. Where else would one find anything close to as ugly as these pink things? And don't even get me started on the bridezilla; a split straight up the front of her dress? For real??
ABBA - The Wedding
I never knew ABBA did weddings. I mean this really is great, though. What? That's not them?? Well, no one in their right mind would wear these to a wedding as flower girls or as a maid of honor. Really? Would they? At least they had enough dignity to hide their faces in shame. There's hope for them yet. I wonder if the Bee Gees performed too?
A Wee Doggie
This is why you never, ever allow pets to a wedding. I wonder if the bride smelled like a pine tree or fire hydrant to make the dog do that on her dress?? Well, at least he wasn't feeling randy. Who knows what might have happened then, LOL. Look at the little girl on the right. She's absolutely mortified. She will probably never buy a pet when she grows up.
S&H Green Stamps Revenge Wedding
I've never seen dresses the color of S&H Green Stamps before. Now I know why. Though I do have to give these ladies their props. They are all in uniform for a change. But I don't understand the Greek goddess look of the wedding party because it goes totally against the style of the bride's wedding dress. Maybe she should have dressed as Wonder Woman or even Zena the Warrior Princess.
Well, At Least They Showered
At first, I thought I was looking at some type of aquarium explosion in front of Sea World or at Red Lobster. That was just wishful thinking I guess. If only my eyes had been properly shielded before I looked at this pic. The very bright colors are the ultimate flower-girl fail. One can only imagine what the bride wore. I wonder if they all came out of that trailer thing behind them? So many fails in this one I'm running out of print space.
That's Not the Toilet, Girls
The only thing I see here are people needing to take a leak. Badly. Why else would they hike up their ugly dresses, stand in the water and be on the lookout for passersby? Seriously those dresses are pretty bad. Standing in the water for a wedding pic and not facing the camera -- idiotic, I say. Who the hell's the groom? Aquaman??
Dawn of Ugly Outfits
The song "Age of Aquarius" comes to mind when I see this pic. That and lots of LSD. What were these women thinking? The flowers they're holding have better patterns than those dresses. But I guess when you are under the influence of drugs anything looks beautiful. The bride and groom probably got married next to their "Scooby Van," with the heavy smell of marijuana in the air, and droves of unwashed people celebrating the happy nuptials. Oh to be a kid again.
I'm Late - Just Use the Curtains
"I'm getting married in a hurry! Pa don't know I'm pregnant yet. C'mon girls, help me out." "Flowers? Check! Maid of Honor? Check. Dresses? Dresses? Wait a minute. Gertrude, give me those scissors and the curtains from the window." LOL, well at least that's what I thought the situation was. I mean, really. Fail? Check.
Naked Wedding
This is the moment when you realize that no one cares about weddings. They care so little they just paint some clothes on their naked bodies and head on down the aisle. No one looks happy here. The women just look cold to me. I'm wondering what they'll tell their future children when asked about this special day.
